May 16th Field Notes “The Circle”

amberlynnpsw
May 17
4 min read

Today was the first official Field circle.

And honestly? It did not go the way I imagined it would.

I arrived anxious. Not cute anxious. Not “a little nervous.” My body was shaking. I was stumbling over words, getting lost in my notes, apologizing over and over for not being more composed.

At one point, I stopped mid-sentence and said out loud:

“No. I’m not sorry. This is human emotion as it comes.”

And something shifted.

I put the papers down. Sat on my tack box. I asked myself, when I am at home.. alone, how do I begin ? Go to the root..

So, we called our power, and our energy back... We breathed, we Grounded. We let our bodies move through what it needed to instead of forcing ourselves into performance.

That was the real beginning of the circle.

What was supposed to be a group of 2 unexpectedly became a group of 5. All newcomers to the farm, all strangers to this work, all arriving with their own stories, grief, fear, curiosity, and nervous systems.

And then there was Summer.

Summer lost her best friend, Reb, in early April. She didn’t want to accept, she wouldn’t come see his body, and ever since his death, she has refused to walk out to the pasture where he is buried. Even when attempting gently led her there, she would pause, look from a distance, and turn away. She has been grieving him in a silent way. Her way.

Before the circle began, I brought Summer into the barn to groom her quietly. To connect with her, and as I was brushing her I softly said to her:

“Today is about you. I know this is The circle gathering, but this is about your grief too. You can express it however you need to. I’m here as a witness.”

Summer paused. Turned her head toward me as I brushing her hind end.

Then walked out of the barn and onto the grass. I knew that was a huge first step for her, and instead of chasing her down to continue grooming her to make her look “clean and pretty” for the session, I let her go, and as the first few people arrived, Summer slowly continued moving across the pasture toward the mound of earth where Reb rests.

When she reached him, she stopped.

She lowered her head.

Not grazing.

Not distracted.

Just stillness.

She stayed there for 10–15 minutes before walking to the furthest part of the field alone.

And in that moment, I knew:

Summer was not coming back to the barn that day.

2 of our circle guests were able to witness this moment. They didn’t know Rebs story, or how deeply Summer had been grieving before that day.

After my anxious start, and after we called our energy and power back, my intuition pulled us outside into the field. The second my feet touched the pasture, my anxiety disappeared completely.

And I felt the group change too.

I noticed the circle began to open up their curiosity, asking questions. Sharing stories. Some beautiful tears. Noticing their bodies, and being able to soften.

We eventually walked out to where Summer stood. She still didn’t want much engagement, and that was okay. The point was never to force connection. But, to witness, as is.

The circle stayed seated in the field, even after Summer galloped her way back to the barn. The connection, the openness and the safe space continued to expand and the conversation deepened.

through our walk back to the barn.. we discussed how there are many forms of meditation, and it doesn’t have to just be pure silence. It takes many forms.

Once we returned to the barn, I noticed a huge shift in Summers energy. She was calmer, and started to approach the circle. Summer started by calmly approaching a woman who had at the beginning of the session admitted she was afraid of horses, and she was a little anxious. The woman had spent most of the session holding tension in her body, both knowingly and unknowingly. But as the afternoon unfolded, she softened in the distant presence of Summer.

Just as the session was ending, Summer walked directly to her and rested quietly beside her for a moment.

Almost as if to say:

“See, I am not scary. You’re safe now.”

The woman reached out and touched her gently.

Then Summer calmly walked away.

We closed the field with an oracle message from Reb. We asked what wisdom Reb wanted us to embody and carry with us after the session?

The card Reb gave us was:

Card 17 “Depression”

Not “love and light.”

Not “everything happens for a reason.”

Depression. The old work horse carries a heavy load.

Because grief is heavy. Because loss changes the body. Because healing is not pretending we are okay when we are not.